Our Evening Of Brown

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As we are in France and the kids didn’t get last Thursday off, we gave our thanks on Saturday. I like to do Thanksgiving dinner because it is very American. It’s also an easy dinner to do that isn’t a huge cost ( I’m glad the lord didn’t bless the pilgrims with a mother load of rare abalone ).

In America, a whole turkey is easy to find. Often, they give them away free if you start loading up your cart with oodles of pre-Christmas bargains ( cha-ching ). In France, this is not so. I can buy whole birds of many varieties. You got your pheasants, your pigeons, your ducks, your chickens, your medium birds, your teeny birds, your big birds all of which come complete with heads and feet. But do they sell a whole turkey? No.

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To fill my Thanksgiving table, I run around town in search of turkey parts. This year, we had a two legged, three roast turkey. Now if I may draw your attention to exhibit A, you’ll notice that that is a rather large leg for a turkey. I’ve cooked ( okay my husband has cooked ) a lot of whole birds and we’ve never seen a leg quite that big.

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Should you grab a minute while your potatoes are boiling and the yams are roasting to take that leg and mentally build a turkey to scale, I believe you will arrive at a VERY large bird. So you wonder, do they not sell whole turkey carcasses in France because they don’t fit in the refrigerated display case? Are they not able to carry the entire bird, a glass of red wine and a cigarette at the same time? Or is it something more mysterious like it’s not actually a turkey, but a prehistoric genetic strain of pterodactyl that tastes an awful lot like turkey.

We’ll never know. Each year, I will keep at our little slice of America. Maybe someday, I’ll grow a little pterodactyl of my very own. Until then, I use my favorite Thanksgiving photo as inspiration which hangs in my kitchen.

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Operation jell-O Salad Was a Complete Flop

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Dear Winking Jelly Star,

Your instructions were wrong. I followed them exactly and my jell-O ( oh sorry, I’m mean “jelly” and why can’t you use brand names like the rest of us Californians ) my jelly was a flop. Didn’t hold to the mold. Loose as a teenager on prom- night. You steered me wrong, winky star, and I hate you for it.

To cover my ass, I redid your dish with three packets of gelatin powder and some sirop ( that’s sweet stuff in French ). I will either recover my jell-O salad that is due to debut in hours OR I may have just created France’s largest Gummy Bear.

Deviled Eggs

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You must appreciate the deviled egg for its minimal effort, cute packaging, lovely texture match and zing. Once you pull out the yolks and get them sorted, you can add darn near anything. This is the basic deviled egg with mayonnaise, dijon, salt and pepper. The only thing missing is a little umbrella with some green olives.

Wait, hold on a sec …

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Ah, that’s better

An American Amuse Your Boosh

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Ah, canned fruit cocktail … When I think of home, I think of a place where there’s [quick breath] fruit cocktail overflowing.

My mamma used to make jell-O with fruit cocktail in it and served it on lettuce. She only did this on Thanksgiving day and it was offered after stuffed celery and pickles and black olives, but before all the brown dishes were ready.

Now I don’t remember making jell-O much. And I will tell you now: Yuppie moms ( and wives of Yuppies ) don’t make jell- O. Dumping a can of dead perfect, chopped, unrecognizable fruit in with it would cause pony-tails to flail at the local Starbucks. This is not me. Damn it. If my mamma worked it with jell-O salad, dagnabit, I’ll do the same same for my army. Seriously, how far apart are pita bread with hummus and clementines from jell-O salad.

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Seeing as we are in France, jell-O is not abundant ( they’re more into potted cream ). I have some plain gelatin on hand, but I found this star winking at me from the British aisle. It’s not a powder, so I had to consult with my husband, who grew up in London, to see if he had any insight on the premade-jello jell-O. Fukui-San, evidently you simply disolve with hot water, then add cold water and set similar to the powdered version.

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I feel a new crayon name coming on.

Strawberry Smoothie

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My sister Laura taught me this one ( as I write about food, I’m noticing that my sister Laura has had a bit of influence with my culinary techniques ). Very quick, very yummy, very easy:

– a cuppa milk
– frozen strawberries
– some sugah

Stick this baby in a blender until smooth and Smoothie-like. Add milk or strawberries as needed.

To this simplicity, I’ve added ( due to husband research )

– one egg
– a big scoop of whey
– some branched-chain amino acids

What you get is yum. A belly filling yum. A moreish yum that keeps on keeping on.

Strawberry Smoothie

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My sister Laura taught me this one ( as I write about food, I’m noticing that my sister Laura has had a bit of influence with my culinary techniques ). Very quick, very yummy, very easy:

– a cuppa milk
– frozen strawberries
– some sugah

Stick this baby in a blender until smooth and Smoothie-like. Add milk or strawberries as needed.

To this simplicity, I’ve added ( due to husband research )

– one egg
– a big scoop of whey
– some branched-chain amino acids

What you get is yum. A belly filling yum. A moreish yum that keeps on keeping on.

I’m Salivating

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and just like a dog owned by Pavlov, I see steak == my mouth waters with anticipation. On this American holiday, we are having steak-frites.

Tomorrow will be spent running around town collecting random turkey parts to assemble for our Thanksgiving Day-after-after dinner. But more on that later …

Shush, Don’t Tell Vivace

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Vivace is a coffee uber go-to place in Seattle that delivers caffeinated orgasm in each cup. It was my favorite beanage when I had one of them fancy pants espresso makers. Oh they can cut-a-rug when it comes to absolute coffee nirvana line dancing.

We’ve had a few offerings from Seattle visitors as they stay with us and work or enjoy the farm. I relieved myself of a mighty fine grinder and sold the super-smack-fabulous espresso machine as part of some yuppie, simplification nonsense before our move to France. Do I regret it? He’ll yeshiva ( okay that was an iPhone word suggestion. “hell yeah” was what I was trying to say. Yet somehow “he’ll yeshiva” slipped in like buttah ). Orthodox Jewish school aside, ( how exactly did I get here? ), what we are left with is

– amazing coffee beans
– no grinder
– no panty-dropping espresso machine

So I turn to The Modernist Cuisine to help find an answer.

Let me tell you what I do have

– a French coffee press
– a mortar and pestle

From this, I do this:
– grind them beans. Grind them like a Prince song in the eighties.
– scoop a few scoops in the press
– add hot, bubbly water
– swell the beans for a minute
– gently stir
– let it brew for four minutes
– then depress the plunger

A lovely coffee that offends no one. It’s perfect. It’s not the perfection the Vivace gurus were searching for, but not unlike a profitable side effect of a treatment for hypertension, you have yourself here a lovely cup of Joe ( or Dirk as the case may be ).

‘N’ Sauce

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If need be, I will ‘n’ sauce damn near anything. Today’s ‘n’ sauce was brought upon by a pork roast that came out a little dryer than expected due to a dodgy meat thermometer ( ” 179, Lo, 139, ‘f’ if I know, 152, the temperature of your meat is idiopathetic, good luck to you! “… my meat thermometer said to me directly ). So I let the roast chillax over night hoping tomorrow would bring brighter ideas.

I then ‘n’ sauced it. Pork ‘n’ sauce came out very nice with all ingredients behaving like a tender, tasty, palatable meal.

You can ‘n’ sauce in minutes like this:

– sweat some onions in butter
– add some pizazz ( thyme or pan juices or bay )
– add a tablespoon or so of flour
– stir a bit to warm and de-flour-taste the flour ( einkorn works! )
– add a splash of wine to deglaze
– add some stock ( cube okay )
– stir, salt, pepper until thickened a bit
– add your load and let simmer on the stove or stick it in an oven.

Check it out, you’ll know when it’s ready. It’ll start to look like something you’ve ordered at Denny’s on a dark and drunkened night … but it will taste sooo fine

Eggs of Some Description

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Most mornings we have eggs for breakfast. Usually served with rye bread fried in lard or duck fat. Omelets, fried, soft, hard, we keep running through the many ways eggs can be served at breakfast.

These are “quiche” eggs. Take some eggs, whip them up, add creme fraiche ( or sour cream might work if you’re in America ) and some salt and pepper. In a gentle, butter filled pan, slowly warm the eggs until they are nice and fluffy. If you start with bacon bits ( lardons ), then add the egg mixture you will have yourself some Quiche Lorraine eggs. Oh and the crowd will go wild. “What an amazing cook you are!” they’ll exclaim. Then you will all break into song.
Quiche Lorraine, darling, Quiche Lorraine. Thank you for [beat] all the joy and pain.

Wayne Newton – K.D.Lang, separated at birth. True fact.