Lemon Curd

If life gives you lemons, make lemon curd.  I really hate that phrase.  I can think of no finer staple than the lemon. If life is giving you lemons then things must be nice and sunny.  Ain’t no lemon I know growing in the dreary, rainy places (see Seattle, WA, USA).  “Curd” is the real problem.  Curd sounds disgusting.  It is but a ‘t’ away from being a turd.  So let’s say it in French:caillé de citron.  Much better.  OOoo how about Japanese: レモンカード *. Or Mexican: estúpido.  Yeah, that’s right, the Meximan don’t have time for your fancy lemon curd unless you plop some in a little cerveza.  You must always have lemons in your kitchen.  You must.

You need:

Put this in a pan and stick it on your hob:

–       Lemons, a couple big or a few small ones.  Zest them and juice them.

–       a stick of butter, what’s that … ½ a cup/4oz/115grams

–       a slightly less than full cup of sugar … you do the math.  Make it sweet.

Put this in a bowl:

–       four eggs … and you don’t have to separate them!. Crack-a-lack them and whisk them up

Stop resisting:

You will grab a glass of wine or whatever your poison and ease your hot, zesty lemon goob in your phlegmatic eggs like the rest of us.  Those other quick techniques for curd making are for children.  Despite that constant need to update your facebook page with things that make you special, you are not a child.   You are not special.

Melty, melty these things: butter, sugar, zest and juice

Slowly, slowly, drip by drip add the hot stuff from your pan on the hob in your egg bowl until the eggs look like they’re getting with the program.  You’re warming them up in preparation for some hot action.  A little ovum foreplay.  Add the stuff in the bowl back in the pan.  Whisk slowly over low heat with your right hand and drink wine with your left.  Think of things while it thickens.  Like “curd rhymes with turd.”  Or “mama-se mama-sa” neither said nor saw.

When it gets thick, you have achieved lemon curd.  From there, you do what you will.  I stuck it in a little tart because I’m going through a tart phase.  Knock yourself out.  You’re A Vegetable, You’re A Vegetable … They Eat Off Of You, You’re A Vegetable, but of a lemon curd orientation.


* Okay, I don’t know Japanese.  I hope I didn’t offend someone’s mother there.  Blame GoogleTranslate on that one

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